Normally I avoid these kind of sites like a plague, but I stumbled across this article linked to a blog I sometimes read. I think some will find this man’s opinions to be sexist. I think others will find his opinions to be insightful. I found his opinions to be both. Despite his claims to the contrary he is very tactful, though it may not look that way below where I extract just the quotes I found interesting, leaving out his tact.
Why Don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women?
08:05 am on Sep 17th 2007 Evan Marc Katz
I’m 41, happy with my rounded self, smart, direct, and articulate.
I’ve been told that my lack of dates is due to:
1) Men don’t like smart, direct women, and
2) I’m centered, which sends the message that I don’t need anyone.
Are men really that insecure? I’m certainly not going to be less than I am just for someone else’s insecurities.
Tell me honestly, Evan – are there any good men out there who appreciate a woman who knows herself?
I do not know what is going on and why I am lacking luck in finding Mr. Right. I am educated, refined, and a self made millionaire by age 34. I am good looking. Many men, women, elderly, and children of all age have told me so. People also told me that I am one of nicest and sweetest people they have ever met. Even though I am 36, most of the people I meet would think that I am only 26. Unfortunately, I have been through all kinds of online dates in the last two and a half years. CEOs, doctors, lawyers, hedge fund mangers, business owners, professional athletes, actors, etc… When I am not interested in them, they work for the relationship day and night. When I am committed to them and act nice and devoted, they start to look elsewhere. Anyway, in short, I need some serious help and hope to hear back from you soon. Thank you.
Great letters. Important question. But first I want to start off with a hypothetical email from a man.
I’m what you’d call a “nice guy”. I make a good living, I’m pretty attractive, and I treat women well. In fact, all of my female friends comment on what a great catch I am. But then I see those same women dating jerks. Yet they would never consider going out with me. So what do you think? Am I cursed to be alone just because I know how to be kind to women? Isn’t being nice a good quality? What’s wrong with women these days? Please let me know.
Men reading this might empathize with Jason. Women reading this may feel bad for him, yet also want to him to know that it’s not BECAUSE he’s nice that he’s not attracting women. It’s because he’s doesn’t have masculine energy. It’s because he constantly seeks the approval of others. It’s because he’s not sexually aggressive. It’s because he sacrifices his personal power to be conciliatory. These are common attributes of nice guys, yet nice guys think that women don’t like nice guys BECAUSE they’re nice.
Not true. Women want nice guys – nice guys with opinions who stand up for themselves and know how to take control.
Smart women are very much like nice guys.
“I’m intelligent, I’m direct, I’m successful, yet I can’t seem to find a quality guy who appreciates me.”
Men like smart women. I do. My male coaching clients do as well. So how is it that all these successful men are not connecting with all these successful women?
Because there is much more going on than merely a meeting of the minds.
What never occurs to some women is that:
What never occurs to some women is that:
They’re being evaluated on far more than their most “impressive” traits.
These traits sometimes come with a significant downside that is painful to acknowledge.
Take me, for example. I’m a reasonably bright guy. I make a fair living. I can write a decent joke. These are my good traits. But right behind my good traits are a series of bad traits. Anyone reading this blog can see that:
The flip side of being bright is being opinionated.
The flip side of being analytical is being difficult.
The flip side of being funny is being sarcastic.
The flip side of having moral clarity is being arrogant.
The flip side of being entrepreneurial is being a workaholic.
The flip side of being charismatic is being self-centered.
Again, not EVERY person who is bright is opinionated, and not EVERY person who is funny is sarcastic. But there’s enough anecdotal evidence to suggest a strong correlation. And I’m just talking about MYSELF here. And if my good qualities come with bad qualities, have you considered that yours might as well?
So when I hear a woman talk about how “direct” she is, the first thing I think is: “She’s tactless.” I wrote about this in an article for Match.com entitled “Are You Honest… Or Overboard?” Self-proclaimed “direct” people often tell their dates what they think about them even if the date didn’t ask. They often try to change partners who have no desire to be changed. When the partner pulls away because he doesn’t want to be with someone so critical, the “direct” person concludes that he couldn’t appreciate her “honesty”.
When a man goes out with a woman, he’s not as concerned with whether she’s articulate and on track to make partner at the law firm. That’s what women want in men and they assume it’s of equal importance to them. It’s generally not. Men DO value intelligence, but they also want from their girlfriend what they CAN’T get from their business associates. Warmth, affection, nurturing, thoughtfulness. If he finds himself constantly hearing all the things he needs to change, he may just determine that he wants a bright woman who is less challenging. Not a Stepford Wife. Not a bimbo. Not a maid. Just someone who makes his life EASIER and more pleasant.
Listen, I’ve spent my life chasing after women I’ve intellectually admired. Invariably, all of them had major issues with me. They’re not wrong for seeing things I could change. But a huge reason I’m with my wife is because she spends her time loving and supporting me, not challenging me on everything from movie tickets, to travel plans, to wake up times. She’s easy, in the best sense of the word.
The point I found the most interesting is that the same qualities can be seen as positive or negative depending on how those traits are described. Also, the same trait, which may be great in one situation or of value to one person may be a turn off for someone else in another situation.
- None Found