Why “Nice Guys” Finish Last?

Wow, seriously, I hardly ever read or even come across “dating” articles. Now here is a second one. When it rains, it pours.


Why “Nice Guys” are often such LOSERS

You hear it all the time: “He was such a NICE Guy, and she’s such a Heartless Bitch for dumping him.”

I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be treated like shit, because THEY, the “Nice Guy” have failed repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that “Whales are mammals. Whales live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea.”

If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is YOU. Think about it.

What’s wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys ™ are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.

Nice Guys exude insecurity — a big red target for the predators of the world. There are women out there who are “users” — just looking for a sucker to take advantage of. Users home-in on “Nice Guys”, stroke their egos, take them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It’s no wonder so many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life…

Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find “Nice Guys” to be too clingy, self-abasing, and insecure.

Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a “lets get together for coffee” date. They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know about romance, but their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast, OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be “friends”, in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a “date”.

They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be — not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.

They cling to her, and want to be “one” with her for fear that if she is out of sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.

Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it’s being equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.

Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating, they repeatedly “give in”. When she doesn’t appreciate their sacrifice, they will complain that, “Everything I did, I did for her.”, as if this somehow elevates them to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn’t want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring, adult partner.

Nice Guys think that they will never meet anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming that “no one will ever love her as much as I do.” Instead of being a profound statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to saying to her: “You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you, so be thankful I’m here.”

The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue… But love isn’t mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: “Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable anyways?”

More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. “She is my Life, my only source of happiness…” YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!

Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after “hard luck” cases. They deliberately pick women with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are “helpers”. A Nice Guy thinks that by “helping” this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually disappointed by the results.

This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don’t like themselves. Is it any wonder women don’t like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for “love”.


You don’t have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself. You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.

Similar Posts:

    None Found

12 thoughts on “Why “Nice Guys” Finish Last?”

  1. I don’t the article said that at all.

    I think the article said that insecure men confuse things they do out of insecurity with being “nice”, that women can sense their insecurity, and that their insecurity is a turn off for many women.

    Buzzard, I make no claims for my blog.

    I am gratified that as an unintended side effect of blogging about things that I find interesting that other people stop by to comment. I am also gratified that as another side effect interesting people like yourself and other ex-VPers also stop by.

    However, to be frank, I don’t enjoy arguing.

    That is why I try to use web forums less and express myself through my blog more.

    I pay for everything having to do with this blog, down to the server space it runs in. I set it up as a personal indulgence.

    If you are looking for a place to regularly express energy for arguing than the comments section of my blog is not for you.

    Otherwise you are 100% welcome.

  2. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come across as argumentative, least of all against you. It seemed to me that by posting the article without stating your own views on the matter, you were opening the topic up for general discussion. I’m sorry if I misunderstood your intent.

    I am, however, genuinely curious about why you don’t think that the article said what I said it said – especially since it uses almost the exact same words I did (in the title and the antepenultimate paragraph).

  3. It seemed to me that by posting the article without stating your own views on the matter, you were opening the topic up for general discussion.

    General discussion yes, arguing, no.

    I am, however, genuinely curious about why you don’t think that the article said what I said it said

    I interpreted your comment agreeing with article as an expression of sarcasm.

    My apologies if I was mistaken.

  4. What I meant to say is that it seems a little inconsistent to me to say to someone “You’re a loser” and all sorts of other derogatory things, and then conclude by saying, “What you really need to do is work on liking yourself more.”

  5. I agree with what the author wrote that insecure men aren’t being genuinely nice, but are doing nice things to win approval from the women without really caring who they are. It is enough that they are an attractive female who can give them approval and possibly more.

    I think the author, while she does not like feeling used, and is expressing her aggravation, can see that this is not the conscious intent of some of these men so she is punctuating her anger with the “get a clue” advice.

  6. The difficulty I have is that the final sentences of the article imply that a man can’t like himself unless what he wants from life is a long-term monogamous relationship. Moreover, I do not see why a man (or a woman) needs to be secure in order to be nice (whatever that means).

  7. So much “get a clue” advice in the world. I am liking life (and myself) so much better without my long-term monogamous relationship!

  8. I think this article conveniently ignores the notion that some guys are nice because they are genuinely nice (and, yes, it does help if they are confident self-likers – very important not to get that confused with self-lickers).

    Confident, self-assured nice guys end up happily married to nice gals (or, I suppose, other nice guys, if that’s the way they swing).

    There’s two other alternatives here:

    Either I’m not as nice as I think I am, or I’m conflating nice guys with Nice Guys (trademarked).

  9. I think most people probably aren’t as nice as they think they are. Nobody likes to think of himself as Not A Nice Person – but in assessing their own niceness, people may tend to discount times of not-niceness with excuses like “well, I was mean to person X because he deserved it” or “I wasn’t trying to be mean to person Y, but she took my words out of context and didn’t understand what I meant.” And so forth.

    I think this is particularly true of self-described victims of nice-guy-finishing-last syndrome. They’re looking for a reason to explain why they’re having trouble getting dates, and “Nobody wants to date me because I’m so awesome” fits the bill, and is just what they want to believe.

  10. Eric;

    I think the crucial point was that the author said she does not prefer “Nice Guys” tm because when they do “nice” things they are motivated by insecurity or they are motivated out of a desire to curry favor/win approval and not out of a genuine desire to do something nice for her. She feels like it is insincere and impersonal.

    It isn’t someone being nice she has a problem with, it is someone being insincerely nice.

  11. Haven’t read everyone’s post but lets not confuse the ‘nice guy’ with ‘regular’ guy who’s dating an insanely super fine looking woman. While both these men will behave in similar “nice guy” ways the one obsessed with beauty is acting insecure for acceptable and understandable reasons while the other guy is pathetic to the core.

    ps: BW, I decided to use the name steve before I knew it was your real name. I wasn’t mocking you (you didn’t accuse me of it but..)…just wanted you to know that…k?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *