beforewisdom

A friend looking for justice – and safety – in Frederick County Maryland

The text below is from a friend of mine in Frederick County, Maryland. She was done wrong, way wrong, by the justice system there:

On Monday, May 13, Frederick County District Court judge Dino Flores, and attorney Marjorie DiLima collaborated to release guns back to my violently mentally ill husband. Together, they silenced, objected, and dismissed the facts of the story of how my husband went from a happy, peaceful man on July 26, 2023, to a man who now sleeps with an ax by his bed, expecting the house to be raided every night by people who want to kill him.

Mental illness is a complex problem, with many faces. I have learned much about it over the past few months, reading and consulting with psychiatrists, therapists, mental health support groups, and even nationally known expert, Dr. Javier Amador. While my experience is among the most extreme, I expected that I would be heard fairly and completely. That did not happen. Even when provided with a recorded admission by my husband of shooting at people in our neighborhood, the judge chose to re-arm a dangerous, delusional man. In his statement from the bench, he acknowledged that he may be releasing a potential killer, and that his name could be “splashed all over the headlines” as the judge who allowed it to happen.

A week earlier, at my request, Frederick Health Hospital evaluated the mental health of my husband. They were informed that shootings had occurred, and were provided with a detailed log of the irrational behaviors that I have observed since July. For reasons they cannot share with me due to HIPAA laws, they interviewed and released him untreated, within a few short hours.

This has been heart-breaking and personally devastating for me. I have had to leave my home, my farm, my pets, and the man I cherished for 12 years. After months of direct conversation proved unable to get him the help he needs, I resorted to legal means. This was my last resort, and it too has failed my husband, myself, and the safety of the community.

People of Frederick County, be aware and be safe. Keep your eyes open to danger. Mental illness is on the rise, and we live in a system that scarcely knows how to identify and treat its most destructive forms.

Epicurus On Death

Epicurus quote: "Why should I fear death! If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which can not exist when I do?"

The quote above is not the most scholarly translation of that thought by Epicurus.

I’m not proud, I like the way it rolls off of your tongue and the meaning is fully intact.

It is a powerful quote.

I think it provides an insane amount of comfort.

I don’t think it provides complete comfort.

Marcus Aurelius suggested a rhetorical question ( for a context other than this post ), paraphrasing, “Am I afraid of death because I will not be able to do _____ anymore?”

I think that is the first reason people feel angst about death. They think about missed opportunities from the past and things they will not be able to do in the future.

I think another reason people feel angst about death is the handy dandy quote above. They haven’t worked that thought down into their bones. They will never experience being dead. If there is an afterlife, then all that worry is for nothing, so you are “good” on both counts.

I think there is also an animal, instinctual fear of death we inherit. I don’t think we can do much about that. If we can reduce that emotional reflex in regards to our own pending demise or the demise of someone close to us we are ahead of the game.

Possibly, there is a cognitive, cultural component on top of that animal instinct. Just beneath your level of your self awareness you think you should freak out when someone dies. Why? It will not do anything for the deceased. While they were alive, if they thought about such things, they decided they didn’t want their survivors to suffer over their death. They likely thought it would just be nice to be remembered once in a while. If there is an afterlife, and they weren’t republicans, they are probably having a grand old time. Feeling angst about your demise doesn’t help anyone either. You are still going to die. You are better off without the angst, enjoying the time you have. So again, why freak out? It isn’t doing anyone any good. In history, people used to move to different parts of the globe for life. No smart phones, no social media, no email, and not even a post office to deliver letters. That is what it boils down to when a person close to you dies (almost). They moved far away, such that you will never be able to communicate with them again. Memorials are a going away party that happened after the fact because something happened to their travel arrangements such that they had to leave on short notice.

Nobody wants to grow old. Seeing people close to you die or grow old reminds you of that. Growing old sucks, even the historical Buddha said that. Your physical and mental capacities diminish. On top of that there is a cognitive and cultural component on top of that. Many horrible things about old age and old people.

You can’t do much about that animal instinct. You may be able to do something about your culture conditioning, though not completely. You can work at aging gracefully, not just physically, but with your beliefs. There is a bit of luck in how well that will turn out, things beyond your control. At least you can tell yourself you tried. In regards to your FOMO ( Fear Of Missing/having Missed Out ), you are still alive, so you still have a chance at doing some things of value to yourself.

Facebook Kitsch

“Text memes” ( pictures that have only text to make the fonts bigger than is standard on Facebook ) or what I call “Facebook Kitsch” usually doesn’t offer much.
Platitudes about how schools should teach gardening, food preservation, soap making, etc, instead of you things like civics, history,math, science, art, and music. You know, things that actually support the preservation of our society instead of preparing for its collapse :-). Excessive jokes about wine, yoga, and chocolate that border on promoting alcoholism. Fake quotes from philosophers or religions like Buddhism.

These two pictures are no less “Facebook Kitsch”, but I found them worthy of saving.

Secret to happiness is letting every situation be what it is instead of what you think it should be

That quote is pure stoicism. A core edict in stoic philosophy is to ( *try* ) be indifferent to what you can not control. That does not mean you can’t dislike it, just that you accept it as a reality right here and now, without making yourself more upset about it than you have to be. Dr. Albert Ellis, one of the two creators of cognitive therapy was directly inspired by stoic philosophy. One of his core edicts was to watch for “Demandism” in your thoughts and beliefs. What he also called “shoulding all over yourself”. People getting upset that something that does exist, by insisting to themselves that it should not exist. Again, learning to not get upset by things you can not control. If there is a boulder blocking the road, you just turn your car around and go another way. You don’t make yourself sick about the boulder being there. You can’t move it.

"No amount of guilt can change the past. No amount of anxiety can change the future.

This second piece of “Facebook Kitsch” also connects with stoic philosophy and cognitive therapy. Just reread that last paragragh! :-).

Many, many people torture themselves about the past. It is that boulder in the road. It can’t be moved. It can’t be changed. As far as guilt goes the best you can do is to try to make amends for your actions and live in a better way in the present. You have no other option.

British Buddhist monk Ajan Brahm likes to make a play on the word “ineffable” by saying “The past is inIFable”.

“That person was attracted to me. If only I asked them out!”, “If only I waited an extra week, I could have taken that other, better job offer!”.

People torture themselves over missed opportunities, but they really do not know those roads not taken would have led them to a better place.

That person you didn’t ask out for a date may have been boring. You may have gotten into a very dysfunctional relationship with them that was so bad that you would have daydreamed about an alternative reality where you didn’t ask them out. That better job offer may have turned out badly. The company may have gone under. The commute may have been hell day after day. There may have been toxic coworkers at that office, making your life unpleasant enough to make you want to resign.

You just don’t know how “what if?”s would have turned out, so don’t torture yourself over them. Don’t torture yourself about the past.

Torturing yourself over “what if?”s is easily transferable to torturing yourself over the future. “What if?”s are the root of anxiety. I’ve found that things often do not turn out like I imagined they would. Often for the better. Feeling anxious about the future will not change it. Doing things for the future, anything, dramatically reduces anxiety. Even when you have a mental block about doing things for something on your mind, feeling anxious about it while not doing anything about it will not help. It is just adding to your problems. Now you have the original issue, plus the anxiety.

All of this is “easier said than done”.

I just wanted to write that I found 2 pieces of worth “Facebook Kitsch”. 🙂