Depression And Anger At The Co-Op

Co-Ops and Collectives are two very different types of organizations. In the U.S. the two terms are often used interchangeably. Either term usually refers to a natural foods store run by “hippies” ( another term used incorrectly ) or people into politics to the left of the term “liberal”.

A “collective” is an organization without owners, without bosses, without formal positions, where everyone rotates responsibilities and where all non-trivial ( and often trivial ) decisions are made by a collective vote.

I love long walks.

The other evening I took a long walk up to the “co-op” in my town where I ran into my next door neighbor. I shared a walk home with him after he offered to show me a scenic short cut that I did not know about.

He was telling me how much he appreciated the “co-op” being there. I agreed, though I have my problems with the place, like many people. One of them, is a few perpetually depressed and/or angry cashiers. My neighbor heartily agreed on that point, as almost anyone who is familiar with that store has.

My Fabio length hair has long been cut off, but I worked for a number of years in a student run “collective” while I was in college. It was one of the most enriching experiences of my life. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. I decided to share my “expert”, veteran opinion about depressed and angry co-op workers.

I told my neighbor that they tend to be very intelligent people, but that for all the tye-dye and high sounding words they are stuck in jobs that are “beneath them”. Intelligent people past a certain age need a sense of accomplishment about their jobs, they need their jobs to be challenging and they need to feel respected. Being a cashier or a clerk is honorable, honest and essential work. However, being a cashier or a clerk is not likely to provide those 3 things to a highly intelligent, often politically well read person past their twenties. Even at a co-op.

Like many of the aforementioned people, the idea of working in a collective without any bosses really appealed to me. I thought it would be incredibly stress free. I thought it would be a haven.

When I left my collective I was shocked to discover my stress levels plummeting way down, in an ordinary job and with a boss.

I discovered that having no bosses often meant having a number of people trying to be your boss. The absence of a formal, central authority also meant fewer barriers between you and your coworkers. That was both good and bad. People could get away with things that would get them fired in any other job, on the spot. One of them was inflicting their negative moods on those around them.

At my post-collective “regular” job, people were still human beings with their own problems, but they kept much more of their problems from becoming other people’s problems. Bosses were not any big deal other. Show up on time, do your job, do it well, go home and most of the time people will not have a problem with you. No need to go home and ruminate on the interactions you had that day.

Almost everyone I have known who has worked in a “co-op” has had this pleasantly astonishing observation after leaving and finding a “regular job”. Working in a collective is an incredibly enriching experience. Those who choose to stay in them past their student years or their twenties have a number of reasons for doing so. One of the reasons that is not good, that contributes to perpetually depressed, angry workers is the myth that they have a haven from the world of “regular jobs”.

“Regular jobs” have stress too. There really are no havens. At least beyond those that you create for yourself by trying to adjust the best way you can to reality. However, having some combination of a well defined skill, a respected education, an interesting job or respect make it all go down much more easily.

Pass the hummus, man…. 🙂

Married Brains

Romance addicts have been growing despondent over the last few years. Their daydreams of a happily ever after life has been encroached upon by science. Romantic love, so say brain scanning scientists, is a temporary alternation of the human brain. It lasts 1 – 3 years maximum, then it is back to reality where cooperation and hard work make a life.

Well, according to the New York Times, there is hope, for some people:

Even so, academic researchers have become increasingly fascinated with the inner workings of long-married couples, subjecting them to a battery of laboratory tests and even brain scans to unravel the mystery of lasting love.

Bianca Acevedo, a postdoctoral researcher at the University of California, Santa Barbara, studies the neuroscience of relationships and began a search for long-married couples who were still madly in love. Through a phone survey, she collected data on 274 men and women in committed relationships, and used relationship scales to measure marital happiness and passionate love.

Dr. Acevedo expected to find only a small percentage of long-married couples still passionately in love. To her surprise, about 40 percent of them continued to register high on the romance scale. The remaining 60 percent weren’t necessarily unhappy. Many had high levels of relationship satisfaction and were still in love, just not so intensely.

In a separate study, 17 men and women who were passionately in love agreed to undergo scans to determine what lasting romantic love looks like in the brain. The subjects, who had been married an average of about 21 years, viewed a picture of their spouse. As a control, they also viewed photos of two friends.

Compared with the reaction when looking at others, seeing the spouse activated parts of the brain associated with romantic love, much as it did when couples who had just fallen in love took the same test. But in the older couples, researchers spotted something extra: parts of the brain associated with deep attachment were also activated, suggesting that contentment in marriage and passion in marriage aren’t mutually exclusive.

“They have the feelings of euphoria, but also the feelings of calm and security that we feel when we’re attached to somebody,” Dr. Acevedo said. “I think it’s wonderful news.”

snip….

More interesting and perhaps more scary, is that this kind of happiness is not necessarily a lottery. What you and your spouse choose to do makes a difference:

Research from Stony Brook University in New York suggests that couples who regularly do new and different things together are happier than those who repeat the same old habits. The theory is that new experiences activate the dopamine system and mimic the brain chemistry of early romantic love.

snip….

I would be interested to find out more about what this means. My intuition is that trying a new restaurant in a different city wouldn’t cut the brain stimulating mustard. Too ordinary. My non-expert intuition is that both people would have to feel as if they shared something intense or significant. That seems to be how new relationships and friendships form.

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The Marriage Myth

A fascinating article in the Washington Post. People in marriages that last aren’t necessarily better matched than people in marriages that end. The big difference is in how couples manage their differences. The article goes on about how marriage education…….NOT THERAPY, might be saving marriages. These classes teach people techniques for managing disagreements that will not go away. At the root of it is letting the other person know that you listened, letting the other person know that you cared and not being toxic during the disagreement.

What Markman, Gottman and the others were finding undermined the basic principle driving romantic relationships in America: “That it’s about finding the right person. That if you find your soulmate, everything will be fine,” Sollee says. “That’s the big myth.”

It’s important to choose a spouse wisely, these scientists would say, but it’s equally important to be skilled in the convoluted art of conducting a marriage.

snip …

More than 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce. The divorce rate for second marriages is above 60 percent, and it’s higher than 70 percent for folks making their third walk down the aisle.

snip ….

A few years later, in 1989, she sat at a conference listening to Gottman talk about the results of a decades-long study of couples at his “Love Lab” in Seattle. Gottman found that all couples — those who are happily married into their rocking-chair years and those who divorce before they hit their fifth anniversary — disagree more or less the same amount. He found that they all argue about the same subjects — money, kids, time and sex chief among them — and that for the average couple, 69 percent of those disagreements will be irreconcilable. A morning bird and a night owl won’t ever fully eliminate their differences; nor will a spendthrift and a penny pincher. What distinguished satisfied couples from the miserable ones, he found, was how creatively and constructively they managed those differences.

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